Woe Betide The Figgis Agency
by Red Witch
Summary: When it rains it pours. Unfortunately for the Figgis Agency that expression turns out to be literal.


**Now a flood has washed away the disclaimer telling you that I don't own any Archer characters. Takes place a day after the events of That Sinking Feeling.**

 **Woe Betide The Figgis Agency **

"What do you mean our garage is **flooded?** " Cyril shouted. He was in his office with Mallory.

"Flooded," Ray said dryly. "As in full of water. You know? That clear _wet stuff_? At least up past the ankle."

"Since **when**?" Mallory shouted.

"Since five minutes ago," Ray sighed. "Apparently, a water main pipe burst somewhere…"

"How did a water main pipe…? KRIEGER!" Cyril shouted.

"Yellow!" Krieger walked in wearing a welding helmet on his head, suspenders and boots. And nothing else.

"What the hell did you do **now**?" Mallory shouted. "Why did you flood the garage?"

" **How** did you flood the garage?" Cyril snapped.

"It wasn't me," Krieger said. "Remember the fire yesterday?"

"No, Krieger I forgot **all about it**!" Mallory said sarcastically.

"Really?" Krieger blinked.

"Sarcastically," Cyril explained.

"Oh," Krieger blinked. "Because since that whole thing happened yesterday…"

"Just tell me what happened!" Mallory snapped.

"Any-who," Krieger went on. "You know the café next door? Well apparently the fire caused some damage there. More damage to their building than ours actually. But the café was going to do some renovations today anyway so they thought they could save some money by getting their contractor to fix the extra damage at a lower cost. Unfortunately he accidentally cut a plumbing line and well…It's pretty much Waterworld without Kevin Cosner in our garage."

"Yeah I had to park on the street," Ray nodded. "Lucky there was a parking space."

"The good news is that Burt agreed to cover the damages so we won't have to worry so much about paying for it," Krieger said. "The bad news is that Burt isn't that good of a plumber. Or a contractor. So I'm going to give him a hand…"

"Who's Burt?" Lana asked as she carried AJ in.

"The contractor that flooded our garage," Ray explained.

"Is that why I had to park on the street?" Lana asked. "Because there is water everywhere."

"Yes," Mallory sighed. "And why is my granddaughter here?"

"Because County Day is still cleaning up after the fire," Lana gave her a look. "Remember?"

"Oh right," Mallory winced.

"Yeah they have to put in a whole new sprinkler system so it's going to be at least several days before AJ can go back," Lana sighed as she put a squirming AJ down.

"Well what about regular day care?" Cyril snapped.

"What about giving me a raise so I can **afford it**?" Lana snapped back. AJ was oblivious as she toddled around. "It's just cheaper to bring her here."

"It's not like we have a lot of clients banging at our door," Ray admitted.

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!

"BURT! I SAID WAIT UNTIL I GET BACK!" Krieger shouted. Then the lights started to dim. "Aw man, I gotta take care of this. FYI whoever has their car parked in the garage might want to move it." He left the room.

" **My car** is in the garage!" Cyril realized. "Damn it Krieger!" He ran out the door.

"Damn it!" Mallory groaned. "My car is in the garage too. Eh, I need to go coat shopping anyway. Since my last one was ruined!"

"What about AJ?" Lana asked as Mallory went to leave.

"Fine!" Mallory snapped. "You and Fairy Poppins over here can watch her."

"Mallory, we talked about you saying things like that in front of AJ," Lana barked.

"Like she's not going to hear **worse** through her life," Mallory scoffed. "Especially when she starts junior high and still hasn't lost her baby fat."

"She's perfectly normal in her weight!" Lana snapped.

"Normal as compared to the majority of children in this country?" Mallory paused. "Well since technically over 80 percent of them are overweight, then yes. She's normal."

"There is nothing wrong with AJ!" Ray protested.

He then noticed that AJ somehow had found a bottle of unopened scotch and was teething on it. "Although I do suspect she may have a drinking problem in the future," He groaned.

"How did she get **that?** " Lana gasped as she grabbed the bottle from her daughter.

"She's an Archer," Ray said dryly. "It's in her genes to sniff out and find alcohol."

AJ then started to cry and pout. "As well as complain from the lack of it," Ray added.

"Is that Glengoolie Blue?" Mallory was stunned. "Well at least she has good taste. Keep her away from my bar! I have enough people drinking my stash as is!" She left the office.

"Okay AJ listen," Lana picked up her crying daughter. "You can't always get what you want."

"A lesson her father should have learned a long time ago," Ray grumbled.

"Really?" Lana glared at Ray.

"Sorry," Ray shrugged.

"It's just it's hard enough as it is with Archer…You know?" She indicated her daughter with her head.

The lights started to dim and flicker. A loud zap was heard. "OW!" Krieger shouted. "DAMN IT BURT I TOLD YOU NOT TO FLICK THAT SWITCH!"

"Speaking of things getting harder," Lana groaned.

"Phrasing," Ray quipped.

"Maybe we should take AJ to the park or something?" Lana sighed.

Another spark was heard. Then the lights went out. "OKAY THAT ONE WAS MY BAD!" Krieger shouted.

"Since we're obviously not going to get anything done here," Lana groaned. "Unless we want to be electrocuted."

"I'll see if Pam wants to go with us," Ray sighed as he left the room.

The following day there was a meeting with the entire Figgis Agency in the bullpen. "Okay we fixed the lights and put in a whole new system," Krieger told the agency.

"And how much did **that** cost?" Cyril snapped.

"Not that much," Krieger shrugged. "Compared to the cost of the new lightbulbs we had to put in."

"Why did we need new lightbulbs?" Lana asked.

"Because the dim bulbs broke the **old ones,"** Pam said. She was playing with AJ on the floor with some dolls.

"How did you do **that?"** Cyril snapped.

"Well we were on a break and I was showing Burt one of my experiments with high pitched frequencies," Krieger said. "And we kind of got carried away."

"Now I'm glad I took AJ out for the day," Lana groaned.

"So am I!" Cyril snapped. "That's a day I don't have to pay **you**! And considering all the damage I have to pay for I'll take any penny I can get!"

"I'm guessing that goes for me and Ray huh?" Pam asked.

"WHAT DO YOU THINK?" Cyril snapped.

"You don't have to yell," Pam sniffed. "Hostile work environment."

"Krieger continue…" Mallory groaned. "Before Cyril has an aneurism."

"Okay the bad news is the garage is still flooded," Krieger said. "As well as Archer's car."

"Not like the damn thing was working anyway," Mallory groaned. "Just like its owner."

"What's the good news?" Lana asked.

"The good news is that the flood drowned this huge nest of rats that was living in the garage," Krieger said. "Except for a few really good swimmers."

"Oh for…" Cyril fumed. "Krieger! You still don't have those electric mice around do you?"

"They're called electric **pikas!** " Krieger sniffed. "And they escaped **months** ago! So, no! I don't have any mice running around!"

"Good," Cyril groaned. "Because with the flood, the fires, the smog, the sinkhole, the mini blizzard and the earthquake in one week it feels like we're enduring the wrath of God! I keep wondering what kind of plague will be sent on us next!"

"Ribbit!"

Just then a frog hopped on the armrest of the chair Cyril was sitting on. "AAHH!" Cyril gasped.

"Interesting choice of words," Ray groaned.

Cyril glared at Krieger. "What?" Krieger asked. "You asked about mice! Not frogs!"

"That's true," Pam said.

"You didn't say anything about frogs Cyril," Cheryl agreed.

"Am I to assume that these are the same transgendered frogs **you created**?" Lana groaned. "And are obviously rapidly multiplying?"

"Ribbit! Ribbit!"

A few more frogs hopped out onto the floor. And one on a table. "Uh maybe?" Krieger gulped.

"I didn't know frogs could be accountants," Cheryl quipped. "Badum bump!"

"Oh god it's like looking at tiny green versions of Pam," Mallory groaned.

"Why not Ray too?" Pam snapped.

"Because none of them have mustaches!" Mallory snapped. "Besides they really do look like Pam."

"They kind of do," Cheryl giggled.

"Ribbit! Ribbit! Ribbit!"

"Froggy!" AJ giggled as more frogs appeared.

"AJ don't touch the frogs!" Lana warned.

"It's okay Lana," Krieger said. "The frogs aren't toxic! As long as she doesn't put them in her mouth. And they're eating all the cockroaches and termites."

" **What** cockroaches and termites?" Cyril yelled.

"The cockroaches and termites in the walls," Krieger said. "Mostly between our agency and the café next door. Whoo, that place has a lot of problems."

"Ribbit!"

" **They** have problems?" Cyril's voice went higher.

"It's like a scene from the Ten Commandments!" Ray snapped.

"God I wish I was in a coma with Sterling…" Mallory moaned as she took a drink from a bottle.

"You will be the way you've been drinking the hooch," Pam remarked.

"This is not hooch," Mallory sniffed indignantly. "This is prime Korbel champagne!"

"Ribbit! Ribbit!"

"I said Korbel!" Mallory snapped at the frogs. "Not Kermit!"

"Don't worry," Krieger waved. "The frogs will be gone once the garage is drained and all the bugs are eaten."

"Ribbit!"

"KRIEGER!" Cyril shouted. "I want these frogs **gone**! I want those bugs **gone**! I want the water flooding my garage **gone**! NOW! NOW! **NOW!"**

"Ribbit! Ribbit! Ribbit!"

"Before my will to live is **gone!** " Cyril groaned as more frogs appeared.

The next day…

"So…" Cyril looked at the members of the Figgis Agency in the bullpen. "Let's just go down the list. The garage is no longer flooded, right?"

"Yes," Krieger nodded.

"And the sinkhole is all filled up?" Cyril asked.

"Yeah," Ray said.

"And all the light repairs have been made?" Cyril asked.

"Yes," Krieger said.

"And there are no more frogs right?" Cyril asked as his eye began to twitch.

"No more," Krieger said.

"How did you get rid of them all so fast?" Lana asked.

"Who cares?" Cyril snapped. "As long as they're gone right?"

"Like the wind," Krieger nodded.

Cyril went on. "And there are no more termites, cockroaches, rats, mice, pikas or **whatever** other kind of four-legged pest there is right?"

"No, four legged ones no," Krieger said.

"Well then that's it then," Cyril let out a breath of relief. "We did it! This week has been hell and our budget has been wrecked but we did it! We survived!"

"Yeah but…" Ray began.

Cyril ignored him and went on. "You hear that world? The Figgis Agency is still standing! Who needs Archer? We're **still here**!"

"Some of us are not **all there** ," Lana rolled her eyes.

Cyril went on. "We've been hit by fires, floods, earthquakes, smog, sinkholes…Every kind of disaster you could think of and we're **still here**! HA! And my old man said that my business would end in disaster! WELL I'M STILL HERE! SO SUCK ON THAT OLD MAN!"

"He can't just drink himself into oblivion like some other people we know?" Cheryl pointed to Mallory who was passed out on the couch. "How much absinthe did she drink this time?"

"As long as it's enough for her to be passed out all day I'm happy," Pam shrugged.

"I made it! I'm still standing!" Cyril laughed and started to dance around.

"Just out of curiosity did Cyril happen to have any absinthe too?" Lana sighed.

"A couple glasses," Cheryl said. "And I gave him a few of my groovy bears."

"Well that explains it," Lana sighed.

" _I'm still standing better than I ever did!"_ Cyril began to sing and dance around. _"Feeling like a true survivor!"_

"And acting like an idiot!" Lana barked.

" _I'm still standing! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!"_ Cyril was in his own little world now.

"Should we tell him about the black mold we found in the elevator?" Ray asked.

"Nah," Krieger waved. "Let him have his moment."


End file.
